Bitter Sweet 16

Up in my room, we sat on my bed. Trying to recover our broken friendship. Lot's of small talk. We're alone with her down stairs. 

  

She  just left, after a long night of giggling and smiles. That night he made me fill whole again. We were alone. He interpreted what had happened, with me. Texting with one hand, I say, "You can let go". He says, "I don't want to". Gently moving his thumb along mine. Our legs intertwined. His whole body cradles mine in a sense. We stay that way, not talking just listening, and sort of watching JB play across the screen. 

His sister is there. I walk him up the stairs. Into the small area near my door. He picks me up, swings me around. He sets me down for a hug that is "my height". We stay like that for five minutes. He whispers into my hair,"You've always have the best hugs". We say goodbye, then the not speaking begins again.

When will I stop feeling sad? I thought maybe just maybe when I am sixteen. Or when I get asked to prom, I will forget. The feeling stays present though.

Slowly my heart chips away..

My heart still chips, but at a slower pace.
I don't know if will ever be whole again.
Of course, he isn't the only reason.

A boy in Arizona comes to mind. I knew he was playing me all along. I didn't care, I loved the feeling he gave me.
When it was over, I was heart broken once again.

I don't think I could ever stop this heart breaking. It will always be there. Maybe when I leave, the memories will too.

It's not the people that break my fragile heart. It is the memories that come after the people. The memories of feeling whole, and loved. I love those memories too much to let them go. Letting go would ease the ache, but it would make the Kara that no one likes come out. The face that is emotionless and bitter. The face that cusses the world. That face that even herself hates.

For now, I will be heart broken and sad inside. I will be that way for you. That way no one will need to suffer along with me. That I can do my best and be happy. I will bring those painful memories back up, so that I can have a singe of hope. A small sliver of happiness.

I will do this, for you.


officially a 16 year old,
Kara Diane Rhodes